you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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