note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
