I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
