I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
