Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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