hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
