i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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