My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
