Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
