So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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