If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I believe in your delicious
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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