I'm jealous of your bromance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
