And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
