I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
