I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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