Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
