i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
