Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
