The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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