The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
