I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
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The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night