that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.