I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus