If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life