Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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