exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
