I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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