I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
