Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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