Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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