talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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