The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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