it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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