So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
