my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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