i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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