just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
