My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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