My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
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That's how twitter works, right?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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