when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
