that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
