i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize