And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
