Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
