after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
