I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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