Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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