There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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