love makes seman taste better
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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