watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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