I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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