I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My bed smells like the plague
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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