dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
