remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And my parents said I crawled through the house
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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