I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
