he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
