Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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