there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
