So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
