my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
